How Not to Get Rich Read online

  Contents

  * * *

  Title Page

  Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Author’s Note

  “Whatever I Touch Turns to Gold”

  “That Splendid Enterprise”

  “Do You Gamble?”

  “I Had to Seek Another Livelihood”

  “All That Glitters”

  “Rich and Brimful of Vanity”

  “The Richest Place on Earth”

  “Poor, Pitiful Business!”

  “It Is Ours—All Ours—Everything”

  “In Fairyland”

  “To Live in This Style . . .”

  “How the Ignorant and Inexperienced Succeed”

  “A Lie & a Fraud”

  “The Proportions of My Prosperity”

  “This Awful Mechanical Miracle”

  “Our Prosperity Became Embarrassing”

  “Get Me Out of Business!”

  “His Money Is Tainted”

  “Mark Twain Loses All”

  “Knocked Flat on My Back”

  “Money for a Monument”

  “You Cannot Lose a Penny”

  “To Succeed in Business . . .”

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  Index

  About the Author

  Connect with HMH

  Footnotes

  Copyright © 2017 by Alan Pell Crawford

  All rights reserved

  For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to [email protected] or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

  www.hmhco.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 978-0-544-83646-4

  Cover design by Martha Kennedy

  Cover illustration © Brian Ahjar

  Author photograph courtesy of the author

  eISBN 978-0-544-83671-6

  v1.0917

  To Albert Epshteyn

  Author’s Note

  * * *

  Just a quick warning.

  Readers hoping for a full-dress biography of Mark Twain might want to move on. A number of excellent Twain biographies are both easily obtained and well worth reading. Ron Powers, Fred Kaplan, Justin Kaplan, Jerome Loving, and Hamlin Hill, among others, have written books on Twain that I’ve read, enjoyed, referred to, and even quoted in How Not to Get Rich. Most recently, Richard Zacks, in his estimable book Chasing the Last Laugh, offers a rich and absorbing look at Twain’s later years, as Michael Shelden has also done in Mark Twain: Man in White.

  How Not to Get Rich, by contrast, attempts to offer a financial biography of Twain—as a kind of angel investor, speculator, inventor, and what used to be called “plunger.” Here readers will see a different side of this remarkable man—a man far less concerned with his literary efforts than with his investments, including numerous seemingly ridiculous inventions and contraptions on which he squandered millions of his own dollars. A few are Twain’s own inventions, but he didn’t discriminate. Twain wasted a lot of money on others’ bad ideas too.

  “Mark Twain was no ordinary genius,” a great nephew of his once recalled. Twain, he said, “tried to be an Edison as well as a Shakespeare, and a few other great men besides.” This book attempts no facile explanation for why Twain was so obsessed with making a great fortune. There’s a place for a good psychobiography of Mark Twain, but this isn’t it.

  Twain’s financial story is enough for one book. Readers who make it to the end of How Not to Get Rich will probably agree with that same great nephew’s assessment: Twain “was a devil to do business with—but you can’t help loving the man.”

  Another thing: Because How Not to Get Rich is about Twain’s business life, it’s about money. That means there are dollar figures throughout. Readers will want to know what the amounts referred to from 1877, for example, would be worth today. There are any number of methods for converting dollar figures from the past to their equivalents during other times, including our own. Making these determinations is always a challenge for historians, and no completely satisfactory method exists.

  Throughout this book, I’ve relied on calculations provided by www.in2013dollars.com, which uses a historical study of inflation rates conducted by Robert Sahr, a political science professor at Oregon State University. Despite its name, the site allows for conversions to 2016 values. I’ve also checked many of these figures on a comparable site called MeasuringWorth.com, which relies on U.S. government statistics but only allows for comparison to 2015 values.

  The results are rough estimates of what a given sum might be worth in our time. When a range of possible equivalents is offered, I’ve gone with the lowest and, I assume, the most conservative estimate. In 1877, for example, a maid in Twain’s Hartford house was paid about $150 a year. Plug in those numbers and we learn that she would be making $3,300 in our time. The cook was paid $240 a year—or $4,400 now. Whether that salary was earned or not probably depends on what Twain thought of the cooking. That of course could vary from meal to meal as well as from year to year, and there’s no way to quantify a man’s moods, especially Twain’s.

  ALAN PELL CRAWFORD

  SPRING 2017

  1

  |—

  —|

  “Whatever I Touch Turns to Gold”

  Like most of us, Mark Twain hated writing checks to other people. But there were times when he happily paid out large sums. Issuing a check for $200,000 drawn on the United States Bank of New York on February 27, 1886, for example, made him almost giddy. The check was made out to Julia Dent Grant, the widow of Ulysses S. Grant. The former president of the United States and commanding general of the Union Army had died of cancer the summer before, just after completing his remembrances of the Civil War. That payment represented the first profits from sales of volume one of the Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant, published only a few months earlier by Charles L. Webster & Company, a startup publishing house that Twain had established two years before. He had installed a nephew, Charles “Charley” Webster, as its business manager. Webster got his name on the letterhead and a salary, but that’s about all he got out of the position, besides aggravation. Twain made all the business and financial decisions, except when he didn’t feel like it.

  Twain would have been pleased to have published Grant’s memoir even if it had not broken all American publishing rec­ords for sheer profitability. Just landing the contract had required Twain to persuade General Grant to break a handshake deal with another publisher. The other publisher had offered Grant a 10 percent royalty. Twain countered by offering a royalty share unheard of then or since: 75 percent. The other publisher offered no advance against royalties. Twain said he would pay $25,000 upfront.

  This was a bold gamble—some might say a reckless investment—but it paid off. At that time, the $200,000 royalty check to Grant’s widow was the largest ever paid by an American publisher. In the months to come, Webster & Company wrote additional royalty checks to Grant’s family, bringing its earnings to $450,000, which again broke publishing records. Twain himself pocketed $200,000 for Grant’s memoirs. In our own time, that’s about $11 million for Grant’s widow and $4.8 million for Twain.

  This sounds like a lot of money—and it was. In 1886, a coal miner made $1.50 per day and paid $6 per month to rent a house for his wife and five children. The family’s annual food bill was $80, a pound of butter cost 35 cents and a dozen eggs, 40 cents. For the urban sophisticate, a man’s suit cost $4.85, a piano could be bought for $125, and a three-­bedroom apartment in Manhattan rented for $80
a month.

  BY THE AGE OF FIFTY, Mark Twain had achieved something he had dreamed of and worked for his entire life: He was rich. Raised in genteel poverty in small towns in Missouri (when Missouri was still the West), Twain as a grown man had rubbed elbows with the greatest business tycoons of the time. As the author of The Innocents Abroad, Roughing It, Life on the Mississippi, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, he had seen the world, or much of it. Russian princes and English lords fawned over him. Hundreds of thousands of people bought his books and lined up to hear him speak. With his earnings—and his wife’s inheritance—he had built a startlingly opulent, twenty-five-room mansion in high-toned Hartford, Connecticut. Justin Kaplan, the author of Mr. Clemens and Mark Twain, called the house “part steamboat, part medieval stronghold, and part cuckoo clock.”

  And now, as head of his own publishing firm, making money for other authors, he felt like a great philanthropist. He could see himself as one of the true benefactors of the era. And it was an era he had named when he chose the title of one of his own bestsellers: The Gilded Age.

  MARK TWAIN WAS born Samuel Langhorne Clemens on November 30, 1835. For the purposes of this book, he is Mark Twain, not Samuel Clemens—and that’s final. Twain’s place of birth was Florida, Missouri, which contained 100 people at that time. By being born there, he recalled,

  I increased the population by 1 percent. It is more than many of the best men in history could have done for a town. It may not be modest in me to refer to this but it is true. There is no record of a person doing as much—not even Shakespeare. But I did it for Florida and it shows that I could have done it for any place—even London, I suppose.

  In the interest of scholarly thoroughness, it should also be pointed out that Twain never did much else for his hometown. Today, Twain tourists go instead to Hannibal, where he grew up and they can feast on Roughin’ It Burgers at the Mark Twain Dinette and Family Restaurant. As of the 2000 census, there were only nine people living in Florida, Missouri. By 2010, the village was officially uninhabited, though this is unfair. The person who answers the phone at the Mark Twain Birthplace State Historic Site, a quarter of a mile from Florida, says the town’s population in July 2017 was in fact four. The site is worth visiting, in any case. A modern musuem there protects the actual cabin where Twain was born.

  Perhaps more significant than where Twain was born is when. In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell discovered that of the seventy-five richest people in human history, fourteen were Americans born within nine years of one another. John D. Rockefeller, the richest ever, was born in 1839. Andrew Carnegie (#2) was born in 1835, and so on down the line, through Jay Gould (#33) and J. P. Morgan (#57) and all the others. What’s going on here? Gladwell asks.

  Then he tells us:

  The answer becomes obvious, if you think about it. In the 1860s and 1870s, the American economy went through perhaps the greatest transformation in its history. This was when the railroads were being built and Wall Street emerged. It was when industrial manufacturing started in earnest. It was when all the rules by which the traditional economy had functioned were broken and remade.

  What Gladwell’s list of rich men and their birth dates says is “it really matters how old you were when that transformation happened.” And Twain and Rockefeller, et al., were all in their twenties and thirties when it took place. (So, of course, were untold millions of people who were born just when Gladwell recommends but died poor anyway.)

  The sociologist C. Wright Mills observed much the same phenomenon decades before Gladwell and came to this conclusion: “The best time during the history of the United States for the poor boy ambitious for high business success to have been born was around the year 1835.” And Twain wasn’t born “around the year 1835,” but during it—a strategic decision of the utmost significance, suggesting an alert and eager business mind operating even in utero.

  UNFORTUNATELY, TWAIN WAS not so astute in his choice of parents. His father was John Marshall Clemens, an upright and humorless man, a Virginian by birth, and, by occupation, a failed storekeeper, failed boardinghouse operator, and failed lawyer. These Clemenses claimed descent from Geoffrey Clement, who in 1649 was one of the judges who sentenced Charles I to die by beheading. Twain’s mother, the former Jane Lampton of Kentucky, was a pious though lighthearted woman whose family also talked of an illustrious British ancestry. Though American by birth, one of Jane Lampton Clemens’s nephews called himself the rightful Earl of Durham.

  If there was gentility in Mark Twain’s background, it was of the shabby kind, at least by the time he came along. Neither of his parents brought “an over-surplus of property” into the marriage; his mother’s dowry consisted of “two or three Negroes but nothing else.” They were a slaveholding family, with a household servant or two. What the servants actually did is hard to figure. After John Clemens died in 1847, the family lived above a drugstore. Twain’s mother cooked for the druggist’s family and did their laundry. “Money is better than poverty,” Woody Allen once said, “if only for financial reasons.” Twain knew this from childhood.

  The Clemens family lived in Tennessee before moving to Missouri, and it was there that their dubious patriarch made a momentous financial decision. John Clemens would become a land speculator. Resigned to the likelihood that he would never earn much money, he determined to provide for his family after his death by acquiring vast holdings in real estate. From 1826 through 1841, he bought twenty tracts in rural Fentress County, Tennessee, totaling between 35,000 and 75,000 acres. John Clemens claimed they owned 100,000 acres. Historians disagree on the precise number, which isn’t surprising since the family itself never seemed sure. He spent about $400 for the land—maybe $11,000 today—and died telling his survivors to hang on to the property until the time was right. Resist the temptation to sell it to the first bidder. If they would only be patient, they would be rich, as any fool could see.

  “Whatever befalls me, my heirs are secure,” John Clemens said. “I shall not live to see those acres turn to silver and gold but my children will.” Besides the mineral wealth under the ground, there were “grazing lands, corn lands, wheat lands, potato lands, there are all species of timber—there is everything on this great tract of land that can make land valuable.”

  These were boom times in America when Mark Twain’s father bought the Tennessee land. This period of economic expansion that was unleashed by laissez-faire capitalism, in the words of John Maynard Keynes, constituted “the magnificent episode of the nineteenth century.” The federal government offered for sale 28 million acres of public lands, leading to enthusiastic real estate speculation. More than a quarter of the population now lived west of the Appalachians. The way people and goods moved was changing. By 1840, locomotives owned by 300 railroad companies were rattling along 3,300 miles of iron rails. Steamboats, which plied the waters of the Great Lakes, would soon connect north and south on the Mississippi.

  Alexis de Tocqueville marveled at “the phenomenal release of initiative and energy” in the men and women of John Clemens’s time. A historian with the wonderful name Garet Garrett called it “the breathless generation.” Henry Adams said “the continent lay before [Americans] like an uncovered ore-bed.” Technological advances stimulated economic development on scores of fronts. There was Cyrus McCormick’s reaper, John Deere’s steel plow, Samuel Morse’s telegraph, and Josephine Houghton’s hand-cranked dishwashing machine. (Josephine Houghton was a Shelbyville, Illinois, housewife inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame in 2006. Unfortunately, this was too late to do her much good, considering that she died in 1913.)

  The same iron industry that turned out thousands of miles of rails was producing everyday items vital to settling the West—knives, axes, and plows. It also turned out thousands of revolvers, useful for cowboys shooting each other and for settlers trying to persuade Indians to abandon tribal lands that these newcomers wished to inhabit. This population boom, John Clem­ens said, “
will henceforth increase faster than ever. My children will see the day that immigration will push its way to Fentress County, Tennessee, and then, with 100,000 acres of excellent land in their hands, they will become fabulously wealthy.”

  This tantalizing prospect of great wealth bedeviled Mark Twain for much of his life. It spurred him on as few other things did. All truly ambitious people can point to something like this in their lives, and they can be resentful of it but grateful, too. “We were always going to be rich—next year,” Twain recalled. “It’s good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich—these are wholesome, but to begin it poor and prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it!”

  And few with such a curse upon them ever appreciate how motivating it can be.

  MARK TWAIN’S FAMILY was poor but possessed lively imaginations. They strained to burst out of their limited financial circumstances. Twain’s father put his hope in the Tennessee land, but that was not all. He also fancied himself an inventor, trying to produce a perpetual-motion machine. Twain’s older brother Orion (pronounced ORE-ee-on) spent long hours at work on a flying machine.

  Although intelligent and hard-working, Orion “inherited his father’s aptitude for failure,” according to R. Kent Rasmussen, a Twain scholar. When their father died, Orion became the de facto head of the family, responsible for the Tennessee real estate investment and providing for the family day-to-day. To that end, he owned and edited the Hannibal Western Union newspaper, where Mark Twain was employed as a “printer’s devil,” setting type—if “employed” is the right word since he worked without pay.